Being Manly in Queensland

"Okay. Now let me see if I've got this straight: You're putting me at the front of the raft. I paddle like a freak while you steer us towards that raging abyss of white water and craggy boulders down there. As we heave and lurch uncontrollably down the rapids, you want me to toss the paddle, get into the "butt-above-my-head" crash position - just in case - and hope for the best. Is that a fair approximation?"

"Right, mate." My river guide was obviously used to hysterical passengers. He flashed his big, chipped tooth grin, his pupils like pin-pricks.

"But…why exactly?" The draft of the river was starting to display its control.

"Spirit of adventure, mate! It'll seep into your life like blood into a bruise." Gee, thanks.

And so it is with Cairns, the adventure capital of Northern Queensland; of all Australia, really. Crocodile Dundee wannabees with an imagined surplus of testosterone flock to this sleepy, tropical port.

These well manicured, "hardy" types come from around the globe to sate their appetite for rugged adventure. Your pick: hot-air ballooning, camel riding (yes, camel riding), scuba diving on the Greet Barrier Reef, and bungee jumping.

And even if you're just a lame, soft-skinned golfer, you'll still be let into the pubs every night with stories of how, at every turn, your balls (golf balls) were poached and eaten by the ubiquitous free-roaming kangaroos.

And lest we (try to) forget, there is always white water rafting.
To the north of Cairns stretches the wild, jungles, and almost remote Cape York. It shatters the myth of Australia as a dry desert continent, its jungles, cattle tracts and sugarcane fields being thoroughly irrigated by raging rivers.
********* sent me to this natural arena of "manly challenges" - no S.N.A.G.S. (sensitive new-age guys) allowed - to test the waters, as it were. And not knowing any better, I took them literally.

I approached the ever-so-bubbly marketing lady for Rafting Adventures about the rumoured existence of crocodiles in the area. "Aw yeah, but they're huge, so you can spot 'em a mile away, and most of them are friendly, anyway," she beamed. I hate bubbly people.

Thus armed with encouragement, I found myself the next morning at the head of Tully River (an unpredictable Grade IV, high in the hinterlands) being bundled into a rubber raft, our river guide Peter "Mad Dog" Scholz in the rear with me, Erik "Just Plain Mad" Fearn in the front, and six docile Japanese tourists in between.

As we pushed off into the calm, clear green flow, Mad Dog hurriedly explained our duties as paddlers: "When Oi say paddle, you's gotta paddle bloody HA-Ard! If you's get chucked out by a rock, don't panic. Your rafting mates will rescue you."

My six Japanese mates all turned to me smiling deliriously. Clearly, they had understood nothing. I was starting to panic already.

I suppose, at a safe distance, the cool thing about "shooting rapids" is learning the hip river-jargon, and the very telling names given to each "set". Names like "The Staircase" (an eye-popping 15 foot drop in a 40-foot stretch). "Wet and Noisy", "Alarm Clock" and the all-telling "The Waterfall". There's even one death-defiable rapid called - get this- "Come to me - sweet Buddha". Apparently, it's favourite spot for us Asian "nature lovers" (nature endurers?) to have Near Death Experiences.
But to me, the most, er, thought-provoking experience was shooting through the "Full Stop".

It's like this: you get churned through a heart-stopping minefield of massive boulders, you convulse over a six-foot waterfall and then, if you've survived all that, almost like a reward, you get slammed into the side of a cliff. It's almost as if Mother Nature is saying "Gotcha!"

Having thus survived the stony gauntlet with nothing but water-clogged ears, heart palpitations and a gun-slinger's gait to show for it. I set out to find a mellower (ie, something you don't need to sign any disclaimer forms to participate in), more New Age adventure; something geriatric-friendly. This came in the delightful form of hot-air ballooning.