An Unexpected Catch

I'm pretty sure I'm the inventor of “Ego-tourism”. Okay, maybe I’m not the inventor, but I’m certainly culpable.

I had just spent two years in the combat branch of the US Army, where no women were allowed. No women. Two years. I was — how shall I put this — very, very eager to meet a woman. Five minutes after I was discharged from the army, I was on my way to get jiggy in Bali.

(Note to you girls out there in readerland: Here’s a quick glance at the uncluttered male mind — successful carousing equals balm for the ego. Hey, I didn’t invent us. It’s a hunter-gatherer thing.)

Ahh, Bali . . . or Kuta, the bull’s-eye for babes. There are all sorts of good-looking specimens roaming its potholed sidewalks. (And if you discount the bloated, sunburned Aussie chicks with silly braided hair, the quality quotient goes way up.)

But the first few nights of trawling Kuta’s clubs got me nowhere. And even though I was trying every kind of fish-hook, I wasn’t catching anything. I was getting rejected by women in every conceivable language, dialect and hand gesture. I always came back bruised, but just like picking at a scab, I couldn’t help myself and always went back for more.

Finally, in a desperate bid to, you know, conjoin, I signed up for an evening of speed-dating, hosted by Poppie’s, a Kuta institution. I showed up with all the other hapless soloists who couldn’t get their groove on.

And I’m here to tell you today that I’m the only guy I know who could turn speed-dating into speed-rejection. “I’m-” “No.” You’re so-” “No.” “Heeeyy-” “No.”

Between binge rejections, I surveyed the crowd. It was a mix of eligible ladies — some Asian, some Westerners — all were hip-aholics dressed to impress, and all were here to try their luck.

But clearly we were looking to get lucky in different ways. While I was talking to their breasts, they were asking me about my prospects. What do I do, how much do I earn, that sort of thing. I got the feeling they were looking to become someone’s fiancée, or financée, to be exact.