A quick survival guide to shopping with your wife. Erik Fearn tells us what NOT to do and say.

Shopping with Women

Misadventures don't necessarily have to involve bribing transvestites to get your pants back in Hostilistan. These out-of-control forays into uncertainty can happen much closer to home than you think. Example? The bright and blingy halls of your local shopping centre can become dark jungles of uncertainty if you ever end up clothes shopping with your wife and don't know proper etiquette.

Men have always secretly wondered how women can go clothes shopping together and not end up tearing each other's hair out. If I had a choice, I'd personally rather jump in front of a bus (especially if it wasn't moving), than go shopping with my wife. But just like death and taxes, this crucible is inevitable and can only be delayed for so long.

It's a fine art, honed over thousands of years of cruising malls. It's not for you to question. Let me try to minimise the trauma by offering you this cautionary tale.

So you find yourself trapped in a Jusco changing room. Your wife periodically hands your near-naked self a piece of clothing through the crack in the door. Nothing suits you and nothing fits. But your wife won't let you out of the box until you've decided on something. You see, the harder she tries to find something for you, the more exasperated she'll be if you don't get anything.

It all started innocently enough. You were aimlessly roaming the shiny halls of Malaysia's Temples of Consumerism when you thought it might be a good idea to pick up a new tie. And here you are, two hours later, trying on a pair of chequered pants. What went wrong?

First off, what were you thinking?! How could you let your guard down like that? You know malls are only couple-safe for buying groceries, eating, or catching a movie. It's a cardinal rule, not to be tampered with. You want to buy a new tie? Fine, but for god's sake, park your wife in Body Shop and tell her under no circumstances can she follow you to offer her opinion. Better yet, get it in writing.

Vice-versa, too. If, on a whim, she wants to buy a new baby-T, make MPH your Safe Zone until such time that she returns, signaling the 'all clear' with a wave of her new apparel.